everytime someone in my family gets sick and/or dies, i must also be in conflict with friends.

resolution: the vanishing thing is probably good. I gave it a few good years of effort, but this old habit aint dying i guess.

I thought about it in a cinematic sense....you there are those characters who everyone knows...they rely on that person to provide some support and good words...and then that character runs off to his next adventure. lol you rarely know a lot about that character, and its probably for the best. Anytime movies try and give you a movie about those side characters, it's almost always confusing and disappointing.

lol star trek had Guinan. always around to lend an ear and good words...but very rarely did we really wanna go into her story.

*sigh* gotta just commit to this shit already.

What's it all about, Alfie?
Is it just for the moment we live?
What's it all about when you sort it out, Alfie?
Are we meant to take more than we give
or are we meant to be kind?
And if only fools are kind, Alfie,
then I guess it's wise to be cruel.
And if life belongs only to the strong, Alfie,
what will you lend on an old golden rule?
As sure as I believe there's a heaven above, Alfie,
I know there's something much more,
something even non-believers can believe in.
I believe in love, Alfie.
Without true love we just exist, Alfie.
Until you find the love you've missed you're nothing, Alfie.
When you walk let your heart lead the way
and you'll find love any day, Alfie, Alfie.

(perhaps you need to be familiar with the 1966 movie to understand the song. it sticks with me at these times.)

Rest in peace, L.C. Banks.

I'll miss you grandpa.

My grandfather suffered multiple seizures today, i am told. It is not expected that he'll make it through the weekend. They've said that many times before, cuz his condition has just been so bad for the past year or so. However, this time he is in a coma. That's a pretty good indication of the end nearing. My family is rotating in and out to be by his side.

I am here in Japan.

My mother's still dealing with all those expenses around my grandmother's care...she seems so stressed.

I am here in Japan.


It sux because if anything happens, I don't think I can come back. 1, because the job needs me here, 2. If i leave, i can't gurantee ill get back in, and 3. i dont know if i could afford to fly back in and out.

This is not shocking...im not really complaining...its moreso just the inevitable finally coming to pass. I knew this day would come and it has. Family will understand my situation, but there is no way for it to not be seen as selfish. At it's core, it is selfish. there are a number of other choices I could have made that would have kept me close to family, but this is the life I chose. I wish I could be there to support everyone in this time...but I can't under my circumstances. My father and Aunts and Uncles are losing their father, and there is not much I can do. I will call everyone as soon as I can...I suppose that is the best I can do..

I am so glad I came back and saw him before I left. I'm glad I didn't take that time completely for granted and saw everyone, and really spent some good time with them. Thats the best balance I can find under these circumstances....but for all those who feel my circumstances of independence and personal freedom is some perfect life without a cloud in the sky....notice that a life like this can sometimes come with the worst prices to pay.

im lying here in bed at the dai-ichi hotel seafort...overlooking a cloudy tokyo and the rainbow bridge....and it all seems to become clear.

this has been one of the greatest years of my life so far. not because it was easy...on the contrary it has been the roughest yet. I've never felt such invigorating highs, or earth shattering lows. its the transformation that makes this so great. i spoke to mike and alan yesterday before i left...i had no answers for them...and gave them no hints that there would be a future in music for us all. i told the truth..its my recent goal to be completely open. I could only tell them i dont know what im focused on right now...i got a few things, and i encouraged them to pursue their own shit too. I'm sure they were not satisfied with that answer, but its what it is.

it feels good to be done with that....and for some reason when i got back to japan..i felt good about natsumi too....i guess because im making an effort to be casual with her...it feels easier now. aki wants to reconcile too.

the time away from japan....was perfect. I came back in the time i said i would..which was a miracle...but to spend time with my dad and brother was really the high point. it was little considerations that let me have that time. when i trained in SF, carpooled with my dad to redwood city and took caltrain into the city...it was twice the time to get to work.. but it gave us time to hang out and talk for 2 weeks to and from work. lol i bought him dinner and a drink the last time.

my brother...never ever spent time with him before i left...so this time being with him was great. lol my stepmom said im very patient with kids...and this kid is a handful..but i miss him a lot. he's a sweet kid..just hella out that. we clicked pretty fast actually....im glad to have had that time...to be able to appreciate all my family finally.

i dont know what to expect now...how long im out here is up in the air...but it is home. i got to see so many people before i left too. so that was great...its kinda weird being out here alone again..im usually always rolling wit someone by my side. its kinda weird without val here. lol its like being without your right arm.

anyways, i look to the rest of this year with optimism. despite the bumps and bruises...this has been a great year for my growth. I feel so much closer to being the person I want to be.

it is probably for the best of everyone that I leave now.

perhaps nothing can be done about these things.

i remember what it was like growing up. lol my sister got everything she ever wanted. I was expected to never repeat her mistakes, or the mistakes of my parents. XD above all that i was expected to never make the mistakes of the masses. lol perhaps that explains my perfectionist side.

You have to be smarter than the Harvard and Stanford grads on ur mother's side. However, you need to follow all the rules like the law enforcement and lawyers on the dad's side. You shouldn't make any mistakes, because you've seen it all before.

It still sticks in my head...all those times I just did the things that made me happy....all the bad grades and cutting class....lol god they used to get so pissed. My dad took me for a drive and uncharacteristically yelled at me "do you wanna become another one of those dumb niggers on the street?" lol no doubt referring to the scores he had arrested in his time...or busted during his NARC days. lol my mother's expressions were a little more biting....it was not just the embarrassment of having a son who didnt live up to the potential one expects of a stanford grad offspring. it was the cultural shit too....the first part of the family to go to college...and they went to the best. and..cuz my parents were split...lol u could see the disappointment that both parents had from knowing they'd given up their young lives for that. hmm i was a selfish kid...and a selfish adult I suppose. it was just how i came to terms with it i guess.

Its like when two people play a game...and one person cheats, and the one who didnt says, "hey wait! thats not fair! I didn't know u could do that! thats against the rules!"....i suppose thats why the cheaters won....lol they knew there were rules...and they knew it was bad to break em...but they knew the rules being there didnt mean they had to follow them.

How does one be a cheater and a good person tho? lol..robin hood action or something?...i dunno...but perhaps it is hopeless. A cause not worth fighting for. Indeed there is no encouragement I could give to anyone to help improve their lives, because in the end, what would I know about hard times?...i'm the lucky one, right? lol...things just...work out for me. no effort or sacrifice to it. just born that way. not my choice. or at least..thats what i hear.

perhaps this will be the last time i blog here. I find that blogging often contributes to bad moods, rather than healing em for me.

anyways....its a bit of a cleansing really....to reflect back on how i got here, and notice how many bad things i had surrounded myself with. indeed..negativity is like a drug, and it will be the end of u.

the problem is...many people are fake and want something from you often...not to say these people dont have redeeming qualities...thats the hard part...these people arent ALL bad....but the bad they have is toxic...and very rarely are they willing to put the selfishness and negativity aside to benefit those around them. insecurity leads to jealousy, which leads to shit-talking which leads to backstabbing....when surrounded by it, as much as you may resist, u will inevitably fall into it. the rationalization i can find is, no matter what, we are in the "beat em or join em" position. If we aren't able to overcome the issue, we find the compromise to be the next best thing.

anyways...im tired, exhausted and just got through what one might consider a quarter-life crisis. things are great. things will be great, but only if i'm able to keep my train on it's track. thus the decision to isolate myself and get away from some bad parts. some are easier than others....indeed its even harder when u feel u need support....BUT...that also is toxic to others...to come them only when u need them. balance is hard, but im sure ill find it.

when things are better, there are some people i still want to be around...but lately..ive had to review everything and everyone...i am considering a complete release of confessions to those around me..but at the same time, honesty can be freedom for the person releasing it, and a burden to the person receiving it...so im undecided there.


[EDIT]

anyways..a recent bump in the road with another friend has left me with a key chance for reform...the beauty of having a wide variety of friends, is having access to various perspectives....when amongst the many different personalities, u can find one common criticism...it is safe to say...there might be a problem. so...i dont know yet..if i'll go out in a blaze of last minute confessions...or just go quietly into the night...but indeed i have been a poor friend, and family member to just about everyone...so lol...time to fix things.

anyways.....yes...im gone. peace, luck, and love to you all. i know things will get better.

I've reached a point where i'm changing many things in my life. Many things to start new...and to start new, sometimes u gotta let go of the past. there are many people who i will no longer have contact with...its not so personal...its just that i have things that i have to focus on....and indeed...we are gradually growing in different directions. I have a great deal of love for everyone...but in many ways, i feel as bad as some people may be for me, i'm also no good for them.

anyways...in one case, perhaps the choice was not mine, but i'll have to just go with it. I will say publically =p...Jess is one of the funniest people i've ever known. very rare is it that someone can make me laugh, and to be able to have extended conversations about a range of topics to the point of absolute hilarity...well ...i will miss that. lol i had a crush on her when i first met her, cuz it was that rare kind of "click" that u get when u meet someone who can make u laugh. that is the only particular loss i am not happy about. *shrugs* my best wishes to her.


now...as for anyone else who i lose contact with, go fuck yourselves. XD jk...lol best luck to everyone.


goodbye.

goodnight.



signing off.

This spot is FRIENDS ONLY.


So WTF are you?